remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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