he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You ate ashes out of my bong
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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