Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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