So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
