You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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