I'm gonna have a badass scar
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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