i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Never underestimate the power of titties
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
