Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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