he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
