You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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