the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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