no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
