are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
