I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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