If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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