just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
