false alarm. still invincible.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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