im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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