i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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