I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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