I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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