Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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