the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
