Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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