I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
