we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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