Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
