It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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