He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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