he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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