All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
