i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
