I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
