oh god the rape fog is back!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
