you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This baby is an asshole
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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