I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
