Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
