If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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