I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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