Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
