i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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