You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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