I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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