3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
