Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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