haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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