they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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