I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You are a genius and a whore.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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