my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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