my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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