dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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