3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
