All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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