i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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