I think i peed on brittanys purse
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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