Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
