he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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