Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
