Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm going to jail i love you
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
