wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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