I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
