Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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